215 + Funniest Comedian Steven Wright Jokes for Fans of Dry, Deadpan Humor

Dry Humor, Served Fresh 🍞

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

• I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• I have an existential map. It has “You Are Here” written all over it.

• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

• Half the people you know are below average.

• I intend to live forever — or die trying.

Logic That’s Almost Logical 🧠

• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

• My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

• I asked the guy at the library if they had any books on paranoia. He whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

• If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

• If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Absurd but Accurate 🎯

• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

• If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

• I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

• I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

• I put my car key in my apartment door. It started up.

• I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

• I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Everyday Life, Wright Style 🏠

• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

• I lost a buttonhole.

• I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of it for the evening in eight minutes.

• My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost in the apartment. It’s in the corner somewhere.

• I plugged my phone in — it’s now cordless.

• I broke my arm in two places. You know what they say: don’t go to those places.

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

• I bought a light bulb today. You know, it was very light.

• I have the world’s largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.

• I once tried to drown my sorrows. But they learned how to swim.

Time Is Relative ⏳

• I got a new shadow. I had to replace it because it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

• Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.

• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

• I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

• I plan to live forever — so far, so good.

• I intend to live in the past. It’s cheaper there.

• I broke a mirror and got seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

• I once crossed a mime with a parrot. The result was a bird that won’t shut up about nothing.

• I went to the store and bought some powdered water. I didn’t know what to add.

The Time-Traveling Teaspoon ⏳

• I accidentally dropped my watch in the blender. Now it’s time to make smoothies.

• I put instant rice in a slow cooker. Now I’m stuck in a time paradox.

• My clock runs backwards, but only when I’m not looking.

• I once aged two years in one day, but only emotionally.

• I bought a sundial for indoors. It’s always wrong.

• I tried to measure eternity, but my ruler wasn’t long enough.

• I once set my alarm for yesterday. It didn’t go off.

• My calendar skips Mondays on purpose.

• I can’t wait for the past.

• I opened a time capsule… and found my own handwriting from tomorrow.

The Furniture Philosopher 🛋️

• My couch asked me to sit down and think about my life.

• I bought a chair that reclines so far, it’s basically a bed.

• I stacked two chairs to make a bunk chair.

• I once used a table as a hat stand. The hat still thanks me.

• My coffee table refuses to hold tea.

• I have a bean bag that only speaks in riddles.

• My bed and I are in a committed relationship.

• I asked my bookshelf for advice — it just stared back blankly.

• My ottoman is plotting something.

• I sat on my stool, and it told me to stand up for myself.

The Grocery Store Existentialist 🛒

• I bought milk and bread, but not in that order.

• The produce aisle made me question my purpose in life.

• I once got stuck between two cereal brands and never recovered.

• I bought frozen peas just to see if they’d thaw emotionally.

• My shopping cart only turns left.

• I asked the cashier if they sold happiness. They said it was out of stock.

• I once bought toothpaste for a tooth I no longer have.

• I paid for gum with exact change and got a receipt for nothing.

• My grapes unionized.

• I left the store with more questions than groceries.

The Sky Has Opinions ☁️

• The clouds told me they were just passing through.

• I waved at the moon, but it didn’t wave back.

• The wind keeps changing its mind.

• I tried to high-five the sun, but it burned me.

• I yelled at the stars, but they just twinkled quietly.

• My shadow is shy in public.

• I asked the rain if it was crying. It didn’t answer.

• I once tried to catch a rainbow. It slipped away.

• I don’t trust comets. They’re too flashy.

• The sky blushed at sunset.

The Appliance Whisperer 🔌

• My fridge hums in C minor.

• The toaster only works when I compliment it.

• I put a fan next to another fan to see if they’d gossip.

• My microwave counts slower than other microwaves.

• The washing machine spins existentially.

• I put my blender in a thinking mood.

• My lamp refuses to light certain days of the week.

• I spoke to my coffee maker about my dreams.

• My vacuum cleaner avoids emotional messes.

• I think my oven is preheating for something important.

The Mailbox Conspiracy 📬

• My mailbox only accepts letters from people it likes.

• I mailed myself a postcard just to see if I’d miss me.

• I once addressed a letter to the future. It came back unopened.

• My junk mail is starting to get personal.

• I sent a package with no return address to confuse the postman.

• My mailbox asked for a vacation.

• I mailed a letter without words. It still got read.

• I once licked an envelope and it told me a secret.

• The post office accused me of sending mixed messages.

• I put a stamp on my forehead to feel important.

The Pet With a Past 🐾

• My goldfish remembers the Renaissance.

• I taught my cat to play poker. She always folds.

• My hamster writes poetry, but only about corn.

• The parrot won’t repeat what I say — says it’s plagiarism.

• I think my turtle’s been lying about his age.

• My dog collects stamps but won’t mail anything.

• I once played chess with a squirrel. I lost.

• My rabbit is an undercover agent.

• My fish bowl is starting to look like a conference room.

• I gave my lizard a job. He quit.

The Clothing Paradox 👕

• I bought a shirt that refuses to button.

• My socks always meet new friends in the laundry.

• I wore my jacket inside out to give it a new perspective.

• I once bought pants that were too philosophical to wear.

• My hat keeps secrets from me.

• I have a tie that only knots under pressure.

• My sweater is allergic to compliments.

• My shoes keep walking without me.

• My gloves are plotting a coup against my hands.

• My belt has been keeping me together for years.

The Coffee Shop Mystery ☕

• I ordered a latte and got a long conversation instead.

• My coffee cup winked at me.

• I spilled sugar and created a small galaxy.

• The barista spelled my name “Tuesday.”

• I ordered tea, but my cup gave me coffee advice.

• My muffin sighed dramatically.

• The espresso machine refuses to work on Mondays.

• I asked for decaf, but my coffee still judged me.

• I tipped my mug over by accident. It tipped me back emotionally.

• I took my drink to go, but it wanted to stay.

The Roadside Philosopher 🚦

• I stopped at a stop sign and questioned my whole journey.

• My GPS told me to “turn right at your earliest convenience.” I’m still waiting.

• I once signaled left but went right, just to surprise myself.

• The road kept stretching like it had no end.

• I asked a streetlamp for directions.

• My car refuses to drive uphill without motivation.

• I once got lost in my own driveway.

• The traffic light blinked at me first.

• I drove in circles until I reached my starting point.

• My bumper sticker is a secret message to myself.

Reality’s Optional Extras 🎭

• I bought a globe and glued it to the ceiling so I can always say the world revolves around me.

• I put instant coffee in the microwave and went back in time.

• I’m not addicted to coffee; we’re just in a committed relationship.

• I wear sunglasses indoors so my future doesn’t blind me.

• I put my car in neutral and called it Switzerland.

• I taped my watch to the wall so I could watch time fly.

• My thermostat has commitment issues—it keeps giving me mixed signals.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• I named my dog “Five Miles” so I can say I walk five miles every day.

• I photocopied my mirror—now I have a copy of myself.

Philosophical Freeways 🚦

• If you can’t find the meaning of life, maybe it’s on the last page.

• I installed a skylight in my apartment—my upstairs neighbors are furious.

• I once bought some powdered water, but didn’t know what to add.

• I’m writing a book about reverse psychology. Don’t buy it.

• My shadow has been acting shady lately.

• I wonder if mirrors ever get tired of reflecting on life.

• I put my treadmill in reverse so I can walk back into my past.

• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory, but you couldn’t park anywhere near it.

• My watch is three hours slow, but I’m in no hurry.

• I started a restaurant where the chairs are made of bread—it’s called a toast bar.

Quantum Quips ⚛️

• I spilled spot remover on my dog—now he’s gone.

• I put a skylight in my basement—it’s now a sublight.

• I accidentally bought a cordless extension cord.

• I have a microwave fireplace—it takes 10 minutes to roast a marshmallow.

• I once worked at a calendar factory, but I got fired for taking a day off.

• My watch has a snooze button for life.

• I borrowed a vacuum cleaner and it sucked—literally.

• I’m taking a course in time travel. Next week it was great.

• I have a map of the United States—life-sized. It took me a week to fold it.

• My compass broke, so now I’m lost in thought.

Life in Slow Motion 🐌

• I drive slower than my internet.

• I put my to-do list in alphabetical order and now I can’t find “start.”

• My plants are so slow-growing, I think they’re in a witness protection program.

• I once tried jogging, but my sneakers asked for a break.

• I bought a lazy Susan, but she never shows up to work.

• My dreams move at 0.5x speed.

• I hired a snail as a pet sitter—nothing gets done, but at least it’s peaceful.

• I set my watch back an hour, but it still refused to run.

• My computer has slow boot syndrome—it’s basically a slipper.

• I’ve been meaning to procrastinate, but I keep putting it off.

Wright at the End 🎤

• I once wrote a book—every page said “This page intentionally left blank.”

• My memory is photographic, but I never bought film.

• I named my pillow “Bill” so I can say I slept with Bill last night.

• I put my calendar in the freezer so I can have a chill year.

• I rented a movie, but returned the case to keep the suspense.

• I have a seashell collection I keep scattered across beaches all over the world.

• I told my plants we’re moving, but they just rooted themselves in denial.

• I left my door open to new opportunities, but now I have squirrels in my kitchen.

• My mind’s a steel trap—rusty and closed most of the time.

• I’m writing a book called “The End.” It starts on the last page.